Monday, December 11, 2006
Track 08: Rockin' on Top of the World - Steven Tyler
What an inappropriate song for how I'm feeling.
Every time I go to write about how I feel, I don't want to. But I do, because it's therapeutic for me. But I don't, because I'm not sure how to put it into words. I think I want it to sound different than it does. Around this time of year I always get the same kind of feeling, like I'm being smothered.
Every time I go to write about how I feel, I don't want to. But I do, because it's therapeutic for me. But I don't, because I'm not sure how to put it into words. I think I want it to sound different than it does. Around this time of year I always get the same kind of feeling, like I'm being smothered.
I'm being smothered by exams. I hate how I lose sleep and get crooked and snappy and grumpy at people who don't deserve it. I also hate how I have no motivation to study, and how exams make me want to throw up when I walk into them. I hate how I get stressed because I don't sleep and I don't eat properly and I never feel good about myself because I'm not working out and I'm wearing gross clothes. I'm being drowned in a sea of work, and I have yet to learn how to deal with it.
I'm being smothered by family. My grandmother is very, very sick. My mom has to take care of her, which makes her tired and sad and stressed. That then turns onto us, and she gets snappy at us because she's overtired and emotional. And then we get snappy back, and it's all for absolutely no reason.
I'm being smothered by work. I'm working more now than I have since May, and it's just a lot of stress added onto my already growing pile. Then there's the little thing hanging over my head telling me that I should tell Joan that I'm quitting, but I keep putting it off. I'm not sure why. So I feel guilty when I walk through those doors and they talk about January and parties and what will happen later with the schedule, and I feel like such a bad person for going along with it when I know I won't be there in a few weeks. I feel like they should know. I also feel bad asking for time off, even though I know I shouldn't because I need time to study, but it makes me feel awful having to keep getting them to switch shifts.
I'm being smothered by emotions. And it's totally my fault. I wish I could go back to how I felt in September, but somehow that seems so far away and like a completely different life. How can three months change so drastically? I feel like I'm drowning in myself. I keep over-exaggerating everything so much that I'm surprised my head isn't a balloon on my shoulders.
And the other day Kayla said to me "This Christmas I want us to see people and do stuff!!", which made me overwhelmed all over again. I do want to see people, I do. But I've suffered a lot from lack of breathing room, and I need some to regroup. I don't do well with too much socializing. I've done a lot more than Kayla has this semester, and now I want time to read and watch movies and sleep in. I want to see people I haven't seen much this semester - like the Chans and the Antles and Melissa and Laura and the Twinners are Winners. But I don't want to feel like I have to, because then I feel overwhelmed, and I want to stop feeling like that.
I think I'm finished...
...
Yes, yes I am.
I hope I can get out of this slump and start a-new in January.
# posted by Jillian : 12:22 PM
